I had an incredible breakdown saturday night. Unfortunately I only remember a small fraction of it as I'm about 90% certain it was alcohol induced. I went out with some friends to Czar saturday night and the bartender was VERY generous with the Jager. And once again I can say, Jager was not my friend. However I think it helped me let out some of what I have not been dealing with. I have no idea what caused it to come out, but I am thankful that I also had a friend with me to help me through it. My mom and my sister have asked me how I'm dealing and my answer has pretty much been, "I'm not, really." I've tried not to think too hard on my father's passing this past month. I still don't particularly want to think about it and it chokes me up nearly every time. So, I guess I'm still focusing on the idea that the less I think about it now, the less it will hurt when I finally do. Not that I actually believe that to be the case. I was carrying his ashes around in my purse for several days, 1)b/c I just hadn't taken my purse in the house and 2)there was some level of comfort in it. I didn't really want the contents of the urn spilling all over my bag however and it is now safely resting on top of a book case.

There are plenty of days when I still can't believe he is really gone. Like right now. And while I think that breakdown let out a lot, it was only the tip of the proverbial iceberg. I do have to deal and I can only imagine that I will have several more nights like that one. Hopefully, I will have someone there again, but I won't count on it or make it happen. It was serendipitous. But, I miss my dad. I can't bring myself to change the number on the phone from "Dad" to anything else. Even though it's the house phone and he's not there. I still have his cell phone number in there. I don't even know if it works anymore. And I'm so mad, b/c even if I call to hear his voice the message is so short it hardly seems worth the pain.

And I spoke to my sister about everything she is feeling and she's very angry. Angry at my dad. Angry at my step-mom. Angry at God. We talked a bit about the angry at God. I'm not angry at God. I just wish I knew why. And I know that's pointless b/c of His plan and blah, blah, blah. But of course I don't think it's fair or right or good. It's crap. Why can so many people make it through things like this but not my dad? Why? How does that justify anything? But, still I am not truly angry at God. I just don't understand and I probably never will. It just is. Life just is sometimes and nothing really has to make any sense. It's just nice when it does.

I'm sorry if I have been out of the loop on posts. For some reason every time I logged into Livejournal it only gave me HTML, so I couldn't read anything for a month.

I've been posting on myspace, but for those of you that don't know what is going on with me, here's the full run down of the past three days.

Thursday:
I have to go to Chicago for an indefinite amount of time. My father had a heart attack sometime last night or this morning and is in the ICU. My sisters and I are heading that way to be with him and his wife (my step-mom). I don't know when I will be back. But I will have my computer with me and my phone as well. Please keep him and us in your prayers, light a candle, whatever gives hope.

I am terrified and keep thinking I'm too young to lose my daddy, but hopefully it won't come to that. But, I will be with my family soon and we will give each other strength.

Friday:
I made it safe to Chicago after a completely heinous day of travel. My flight was 2 hours late and then I almost didn't get a car. There were so many cancelled flights out of Chicago that people just gave up and starting renting cars to their destinations. I almost had a breakdown b/c the girl at the counter said they were sold out of cars. I think the only reason I got one was b/c I swore I would return it friday (which I intend to do)

It turns out my dad had a blood clot that cut off oxygen to his brain and the flow to his heart. He has a black eye from where he passed out and hit his head. They put a stint in this morning where they found the clot and now his heart is beating strong. He's still unconscious, but a nuerologist has yet to be called so we are hopeful that his brain was not deprived for too long. He is having siezures about every hour, however. The nurse who's attending him tonight is really great. He's been very forthcoming with information and assistance. And his information has given us hope that dad will pull though fine. We're not out of the woods yet, but things look brighter.

Thank you so much everyone who has called and written and said a little prayer. We are grateful for your love and I will pass along all your well wishes. The hospital is pretty quiet now. Everyone in my step-mom's family has gone home for the night. Right now I'm in the waiting room while my sister and step-mom sit up watching dad. We'll take shifts and eventually we'll all get some sleep. We need all the strength we can get.

Saturday:
We have spoken to both a neurologist and a pulmonologist. Neither doctor is hopeful that my dad will ever recover. Due to the nature of his attack he suffered comprehensive brain damage. Unlike a stroke, it is highly unlikely he will recover even partial functionallity. We are encouraged to give him at least through the weekend and we are more than happy to comply. We don't want to let him go by any means. He is still breathing above the machine, but barely at times. His eyes open and close when we speak to him, but we cannot be sure how much of our voices are getting throughHe reflexively closes his hands while we hold them, but again it's more than likely a reflex.

We are discussing the options and will make whatever decision we have to. We know that dad would not want to see us all suffering for him. And he won't want to live the rest of his life allowing something else to do most of his breathing.

My dad is an individual full of life. He loves his family, his crafts and his music. He collects Marine Corps action figures and Monty Python and strange chess sets. He's where I get my nerd from. I cannot comprehend what this future means and don't want to think about it, but the fact is my daddy is most likely never coming back.

Again, I thank you all for your love and support.

My friend Nativechld65 joined LJ at my behest and I just wanted to say hello and welcome.